HiruHikari13

Dear Watchers,

I have some important news to share with you. After much consideration and soul-searching, I will make the difficult decision to permanently deactivate this account on my 11th Anniversary. I would like to address the presence of the DSBM image in the background, as well as the Tanjiro suicide photo from the Demon Slayer Kimetsu No Yaiba: Mugen Train movie.

The DSBM image serves as a metaphor, representing the profound emotional struggles I have faced. It reflects the darkness and intensity of my internal journey. Please understand that the use of this image does not imply that I am currently in a state of severe depression. It is merely a symbolic representation of the complex emotions I have experienced.

Similarly, the Tanjiro suicide photo depicts a dream sequence from the Demon Slayer Kimetsu no Yaiba: Mugen Train movie, where he experiences a moment of suicide. I have chosen this image as a metaphorical representation of my own deactivation, symbolizing the end of this chapter in my online journey. Please know that it is not indicative of my current mental state or any intentions of self-harm or suicide.

I want to take this opportunity to address someone very dear to me. We have become strained, and even the mere mention of her name or her country triggers me and makes me upset. I want to emphasize that despite the difficulties we have faced, I still hold a deep platonic love for her. However, it is important to acknowledge that my periods of psychosis, rooted in trauma, and my relapse in 2022 when I was homeless due to smoking weed have further complicated matters.

I also want to take this opportunity to acknowledge the incredible support I received from a dear friend who has been like a sister to me. Her presence and understanding have been a source of comfort and strength. While I have faced challenging times, including the discovery of my elder sister's existence only to find about about her being taken away to a foster home due to my mother's drug addiction.

To the person I am referring to, if you happen to come across this message, I want you to know that I have come to realize the seriousness of my actions, and I am filled with deep guilt and shame. The pain you have experienced weighs heavily on my heart, and I cannot bear to continue burdening you with my presence. I also wanna let you know that the I empathize with your pain

This deactivation signifies a necessary step for me to reflect, heal, and embark on a journey of personal growth. While I will no longer be active on DeviantArt, you can still reach out to me on other platforms such as Discord, where I will remain accessible.

Consider this deactivation note as a metaphorical suicide note, representing my departure from DeviantArt. It signifies a necessary step for me to reflect, heal, and embark on a journey of personal growth. While I will no longer be active on DeviantArt, you can still reach out to me on other platforms such as Discord, where I will remain accessible.

I want to express my heartfelt gratitude for all you guys' unwavering support and understanding throughout my time on DeviantArt. Your presence and engagement have meant the world to me.

Ok so after nearly 10 years of being on here this account is here by officially DEAD, not dying, but DEAD. I've totally lost interest here. After losing friends, most of my watchers becoming inactive, hanging out with karmic people who I wish I never associated myself with, and DA Eclipse, I'M DONE HERE. I don't even feel comfortable coming back on here anymore, anyone who is still active and still considers me a friend and sees this journal I will give a link to my Discord. I AM DONE HERE. I've made FAR too many mistakes on here.

I used to always make journals giving updates about every single little aspect of my private life uptil like since 2018 it's been gradually going down.

If anybody is curious on what is happening in my life right now, I've been homeless for literally about a year and a half uptil last January. I was living in St Augustine Florida at a youth homeless shelter called Port in the Storm, however I fell into a another Psychosis from smoking weed last year and due to becoming manic I got kicked out of the shelter, it wasn't the weed itself that got me kicked out (it was a low barrier shelter so they allowed it) it was becoming Manic and it's a long story on the details. My case manager has been trying to settle me in a group home, but due to being manic it has caused a set back and I got exited from the program for it. I am currently in supportive housing in DeLand now. I don't have a job just yet, but thanks to having months worth of Disability income saved I was able to afford to pay just $369 per month. But this town just sucks, DeLand is so fucking boring and depressing. Even tho I was homeless I was happier in St Augustine, I had many friends from the shelter and we'd hang out downtown, I know I hate Florida as a whole but St Augustine is different. I'm feeling nostalgic for it. I work with my case manager and we plan on working on getting me a room to rent with somebody in St Augustine and somebody my own age (I'm gonna be turning 24 in July).

Also during my second Psychosis in St Augustine I recently had some repressed traumatic memories come back to me. So I wanna say to a particular someone whom I hope is reading this even tho I am blocked that, I still remember that before you blocked me about you telling me about horrible things your step dad did to you I understand your pain and wounds you suffered from, and it hurts me too... This must've been the root cause of why you felt like a sister to me considering both traumas we faced... And I feel like a terrible person about the obsession, bugging and stalking...

Which is another reason why I am never using DA again out of many other reasons.

Here is my Discord:

UPDATE: 5/17/2023: If my Specific Person who I'd rather not tag or mention her username because she wouldn't want that, I also want you to know that if you are reading this. I want you to know that I am not using my Psychosis or mental health problems as an excuse for my recent behavior sending her all those messages using my other account BlackMetalManiac but rather as a logical explanation for my strange behavior bugging you but regardless I am willing to accept full responsibility and accountability for my actions. Actions speak louder than words like "sorry" because a true apology means changed behavior. So I think the actions that would be best to make up for the things I've done would be to leave this cesspool of a site for your own sake. My BlackMetalManiac account was supposed to be a fresh start from all my mistakes. But clearly whether I continue using this account or make a new account I clearly no longer belong on DA anymore. I've LONG outstayed my "welcome" here.

I really don't wanna keep using DeviantArt anymore. I'm getting tired of it and I wanna leave to for someone else's sake. This account has gone through too much drama and I've made far too many mistakes so I wanna leave this life on DA behind. So does anyone want my Discord?

It seems even after all I went through experiencing Dark Night of the Soul 3 years ago when the CIA locked me up in the mental hospital in Virginia nobody cares about me... I am not wanted here anymore...

Hey guys, I was just clocking out from a long nightshift at work and my coworker drove me back home, I went onto my laptop after arriving back home and I noticed I was no longer logged into Discord. I tried logging back in twice, and it didn't work. I clicked forgot my password. I went to my email address to reset my password to find out after logging back in that I supposedly sent a message multiple times to some of my friends. With some kind of link or download, which causes a virus. I don't know how to react tbh, I'm tired and need to rest.